remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
