I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
