mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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