I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
