There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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