I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
