We're facebook friends in real life
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
