I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
