think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
