my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
