so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
