im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
