Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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