the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
