Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
