You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I sprained my soul last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
