Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He shit in the fireplace
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
