Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Found the puke drawer
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
