Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
