I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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