I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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