i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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