the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
