Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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