I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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