So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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