just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
