i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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