When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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