I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
