True but thats because hes a fetus.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
