grandma shit on top of the toilet
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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