I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
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I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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