Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
