Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Two words: nipple clamps
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