i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
