I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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