I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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