So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize