And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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