no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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