guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
