My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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