She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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