if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
