my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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