I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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