Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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