Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
