who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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