I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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