hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
