I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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