okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
