just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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