Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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