Don't make out with my wife yet
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
