sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
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I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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