I accidentally burped into my bong.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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