I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
