My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
