his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
