Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
