yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
