youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
