she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
