found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
