shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
